Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
