I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
