I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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