I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
