***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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