remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Two words: nipple clamps
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