high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
