the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
