You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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