it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
