I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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