what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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