I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
