The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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