dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i think im in europe. pls send help
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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