i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
