My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Randomize
