My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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