somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
