That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
