it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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