We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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