Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
