im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
