everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
