On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
