ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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