dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
