just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
