You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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