Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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