Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
