Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
