I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is Oprah even human
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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