I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
