so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
