Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
