yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
