I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
