quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
