I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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