I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
