I hate your face
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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