I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
