is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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