White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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