dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I need moral support for this bender
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
