he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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