I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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