The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
