Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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