Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
