I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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