I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
