I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize