So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
