Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
