He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
