Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
